How To Resolve Conflicts

In last month’s blog, we explored how NonviolentCommunication (NVC) can be used to help manage symptoms of depression. Another important area in which NVC can be valuable is resolving interpersonal conflict.

When conflicts remain unresolved, they can contribute to ongoing stress, strain our relationships and affect our mental and physical wellbeing. NVC offers a practical approach to addressing disagreements in a way that helps us manage our emotions, communicate our needs and work towards mutually respectful solutions.

Why do we experience conflict?

Conflict is a natural part of human relationships. In our everyday lives, we may encounter challenges with family members, friends, partners or colleagues. These can take many forms, including disagreements about performance, personality clashes, differences of opinion, domestic responsibilities, financial concerns, parenting styles, boundary violations or simple misunderstandings.

Whatever the source of a disagreement, when it affects us negatively and we struggle to address it constructively, stress can accumulate. Over time, this may affect our mental wellbeing and create further distance between ourselves and the other person.

NVC offers an alternative. Rather than getting caught up in attack, it encourages us to understand what has happened, recognise our emotional responses, identify our underlying needs and communicate what we would like to happen next.

By practising this approach, we can begin to reduce unnecessary distress, cultivate greater emotional balance and create opportunities for healthier relationships.

Key components of NVC

In our previous blog on NVC and depression, we explored three important components of the approach:

1. Observing without judging. Distinguishing observable facts from our interpretations and judgments can help prevent distress from escalating.
2. Recognising our feelings. Identifying how we feel in response to a situation helps us better understand our emotional experience.
3. Identifying our needs. Exploring the needs underlying our feelings can help us understand what matters to us and what may be missing.

These three components remain central to NVC. When resolving conflict, however, there is a fourth essential component:

4. Making requests. Clearly expressing what we would like the other person to do can help turn difficult conversations into understanding and constructive change.

Let’s explore how these four components might work in practice.

Putting NVC into practice

Imagine a family of two adults and a child who are just managing financially. One partner discovers that the other has accumulated £40,000 in secret debt. This unexpected discovery has significant implications for the family’s financial security and future.

Such a situation could understandably trigger intense feelings of anger, fear, anxiety and betrayal. A common reaction might be to shout, criticise or attack the other person.

These feelings are entirely understandable. However, responding through personal attacks can make it harder for both people to listen, understand one another and work towards a resolution. It may also intensify the distress already being experienced.

NVC offers another way to approach the situation.

Step 1: Observe the facts without judgment

Begin by identifying what has happened, separating the observable facts from assumptions about the other person’s character or intentions.

For example:

“I have discovered that you have accumulated £40,000 in debt that I was unaware of, and this has significant implications for our family’s finances.”

This does not mean minimising the seriousness of the situation. It simply means describing what has happened without adding labels such as “irresponsible”, “stupid” or “dishonest” to the initial observation.

Step 2: Acknowledge your feelings

Next, take a moment to recognise your emotional response.

You might feel angry, frightened, shocked, anxious or betrayed. Rather than suppressing these feelings or immediately acting on them, acknowledge them as understandable responses to a difficult situation.

For example:

“I feel frightened about our financial future and deeply angry about discovering this debt unexpectedly.”

Recognising our feelings can help us respond more thoughtfully, rather than reacting automatically in the heat of the moment.

Step 3: Identify your underlying needs

Our feelings can provide valuable information about the needs and values that matter to us.

In this example, the underlying needs might include financial security, stability for the child, honesty, trust, transparency and a sense of shared responsibility.

Recognising these needs can help shift the focus from attacking the other person to understanding what is important and what needs to change.

Step 4: Make a clear request

Finally, communicate your observations, feelings and needs, and make a specific request that invites constructive action.

For example:

“When I looked at the bank statement today and discovered the £40,000 debt that I didn’t know about, I felt frightened and deeply angry because I need financial security, stability for our child and honesty in our relationship. Would you be willing to sit down with me this evening to go through all our financial documents together and agree on a repayment plan without hiding anything else?

Remember, making a request does not mean accepting behaviour that has harmed you. The other person may not agree to the request, and rebuilding trust may take time. While NVC helps us communicate more clearly; it cannot guarantee that the other person will respond constructively.

What if we feel too angry or distressed to communicate calmly?

Expressing vulnerability to someone whose actions have affected our wellbeing can be difficult. When we feel threatened or hurt, our instinct may be to attack. These reactions are human, particularly when something important to us feels at risk.  However, acting on every thought or impulse in the heat of the moment may increase our distress and make constructive communication more difficult.  

This does not mean that we should ignore, suppress or judge our emotions. Instead, it can be helpful to create space to process them before attempting a difficult conversation.  This might involve talking to a trusted friend, writing down our thoughts, taking deep breaths, or seeking support from a therapist.

Once the intensity of our emotional response has eased, we may find it easier to recognise our feelings and needs, communicate clearly and decide what action we want to take.

Remember however, where a conflict involves threats, coercion, abuse or a risk of violence, prioritising safety and seeking appropriate support is more important than attempting to resolve the situation through communication alone.

Building healthier relationships

NVC is a communication approach that many of us may not have learned or practised before. It can take time and patience to move away from familiar patterns of blame, criticism and defensiveness, particularly when emotions are running high.

With practice, however, NVC can help us become more aware of our emotional responses, understand our underlying needs and express ourselves in ways that encourage greater understanding.

Although it cannot resolve every disagreement or guarantee that relationships will improve, it offers a useful way to address conflict, reduce stress and protect our wellbeing.  

I hope you found this article useful.  If you have any questions or would like support in addressing emotional distress, then please feel free to get in touch.  

Wishing you happiness and success.

Sadaf

🙂