NVC: Criticism to Compassion

A common feature of depression is persistent negative judgement about oneself. These judgements can intensify emotional distress and, over time, become deeply ingrained beliefs about who we are.

Many years ago, I worked with a client who came to me because she felt very depressed following the ending of a long term relationship.  The client blamed herself for the relationship ending.  She believed it had happened because there was something wrong with her, that she was the problem, that she was unworthy and not good enough, and that nobody liked or cared about her.  

She experienced persistent low mood, hopelessness and began questioning the purpose of living.  She would obsessively think about every detail of her past relationship, reinterpreting what it meant – and usually to support her negative beliefs about herself.  Most of her thinking involved interpretations and assumptions rather than observable facts.  There were multiple factors contributing to her experience, yet, the only narrative she was willing to accept was the one that reinforced her negative beliefs.  

What was causing this clients depression?  To my mind it was evident that her negative thoughts, particularly the harsh judgments about herself, played a significant part.  

Strategies for coping with stressful experiences 

The end of an important relationship can be painful, and experiencing emotional distress following a separation is a natural human response.  However, distress can sometimes become prolonged when painful events become entangled with rumination, self-criticism and deeply held negative beliefs.

This is where having practical strategies for responding to emotional distress can be helpful. These strategies can help us process what has happened, relate to ourselves with greater empathy, recognise what we need, and respond in healthier ways.

One approach I find useful is Non-Violent Communication.  NVC provides a framework for moving away from judgments and towards objective observation, emotional awareness and recognition of our needs.  

The NVC Process

Step 1: Separating observation from judgement 

Step one of the NVC process is to acknowledge any external stressor that affects your wellbeing, without evaluating or judging it.  

In the case of my client, an observation might have been:  My long-term partner ended our relationship and is now involved with someone else.  

Note that it’s not: 

He cheated on me because I’m not good enough.  

The second statement is not an observation, it is an interpretation about the person, which fuels distress.

Step 2: Acknowledge your feelings 

The second step of the process is to acknowledge how we feel in response to what is observed.  In the case of my client this included feeling sad, lonely, hurt, fearful, shame, despair and hopeless.  

For purposes of processing and releasing distress, this is an important step.  Here, we don’t push emotions away, nor have any aversion to them.  Rather, we welcome them, allowing the space for them to be present.  

Step 3: Identifying needs 

The third important step is acknowledging any unmet needs that fuel emotional distress.  

Within the NVC framework, suffering is caused by our repetitive thinking patterns.  A stressful event occurs for instance, and our brain begins to formulate negative judgements and evaluations, which then influences how we feel.  The meaning making process is a key determinant of chronic emotional distress.  With NVC however, we do not allow our minds to engage in negative judgments and evaluations.  Instead, we focus on acknowledging what we are feeling and recognise the needs beneath those feelings.  

So, rather than exclusively focus on what another person has done, or what is wrong with us, we can ask:  

What is important to me here?  What am I needing?  

For my client, this might have included: love, connection, belonging, intimacy, acceptance, being valued, self-worth.  

Another way the client could have looked at this then was to acknowledge that: When I think about my ex partner ending the relationship and being with someone else, I feel hurt, lonely and hopeless because that relationship gave me a sense of connection, belonging, feeling valued and worthy.  

This way, the client validates their experience and exercises self-compassion.  In turn, minimising distress rather than exacerbating it.  

Criticism to compassion

My client couldn’t change what happened and her ex could not meet her emotional needs.    What she could change however was her relationship with herself.  

Through our work together, she came to recognise that the end of the relationship was not evidence that there was something fundamentally wrong with her. She developed a greater understanding of the incompatibilities within the relationship and recognised that the breakup had activated painful beliefs with roots in earlier childhood experiences.

The experience became an opportunity for personal growth.  

Responding early to distress

Looking back, I believe that had this client known this strategy of NVC and applied it at the time the stressful experience occurred, they may not have reached a point of severe depression.  NVC is not a substitute for professional support, however it can be useful for acknowledging distress and exercising self-compassion, which can reduce distress.   

People often seek help when they reach crisis point.  However, learning techniques that we can apply when distressing events arise is important because it may prevent the onset of longer term health problems.  

I hope you found this article useful.  If you have any questions or would like support in addressing emotional distress, then please feel free to get in touch.  

Wishing you happiness and success.

Sadaf

🙂